I haven't had the opportunity to go for a long walk in a few weeks. Usually my walks are the time that I digest the spiritual happenings in my world. I didn't make the connection between my lack of walks and the stressed-out, hurried tone that life had taken until I was out today. There has been much to digest recently, and very little time to really sit and dwell on it in my heart and mind.
Yes, I do know that I am spoiled to have the privilege of meditation walks. Most stay-at-home moms are just hoping for a trip to the bathroom by themselves. I am definitely blessed to have such a peaceful time to myself. Usually I take two a week, but with our trip to Asia and the blessing of a mission team coming up from Alabama last week, they just haven't happened.
As I walked the familiar route, my head was swirling with the things that I have seen and heard, thought and imagined, read and written. At first, it was difficult to sort through the thoughts well enough to make any sense out of them. That is why my walks tend to be at least an hour long, usually more.
I have been particularly burdened for more workers in this part of the country. We need more pastors, pastors' wives, and pastors' kids for sure. We also need more godly carpenters, nurses, teachers, bankers, musicians, husbands, and wives. We need people who are willing to leave their comfort zone, uproot their lives, and make a new life in a new place, purely for the sake of the Gospel. I am not judging anyone for not making the same decision that our family has. You have to go (or stay) as God leads your family. But the need is great, and the burden can be heavy on my shoulders at times.
As I thought about this need, I began to think about what I am doing. I'm here, surrounded by the lost, but what am I doing now that I am here? I have to admit, I've been tired lately. Like most people, I assumed that the problem is that I'm doing too much, but I was suddenly confronted by the alarming possibility that I may not be doing enough. Being enough. Relying enough.
I am tired. Tired of complacency. Tired of “just enough”. Tired of spiritual boredom. I'm tired of myself, to tell you the truth. I'm fed up with feeding my own desires, of hogging out on comfort and self-help. I'm tired of getting by, of never being emptied enough to give God all the room He needs to enable me to overflow with all that He is.
I want to be wrung out. I want to end the day completely spent. I want a life that can't be defined by what I did today. I want a life that begs for answers. I want to live so that the world needs to see the Reason behind the insanity of who I am. I want my will to melt into the will of my Father. Not for my own glory. I want to be nothing so that the world will know that Jesus is everything. I want to yearn desperately for the greatness that no belief system can contain and no mind can grasp. I want to die completely to myself. Burned to ashes, so that they have to identify me by the tags given to me by my Father, “DAUGHTER OF THE MOST HIGH”. I want the world to look at my life and say, “I have no idea who she was, but I know exactly whose she was.”
That is what I want. But here I am, living lackluster, spellbound by typical. I can hear Paul crying out in Romans 7. Oh, what a wretched woman that I am! But then comes Romans 8, faithfully whispering the love story of my Savior:
Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus, 2 because the Spirit's law of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. 3 What the law could not do since it was limited by the flesh, God did. He condemned sin in the flesh by sending His own Son in flesh like ours under sin's domain,and as a sin offering, 4 in order that the law's requirement would be accomplished in us who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
Lord God, empty me of everything than prevents my full allegiance, total surrender, and wreckless abandon to You, and You alone!
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