Edwin did me a big favor and took the girls out to give me time to clean, really clean, do the things you keep noticing and then try to forget clean. I made out a list of what I wanted to get done. I decided that I would be happy if I got half of the list completed by the time Edwin and the girls got home. Then I prayed over the list. Doesn't that sound like something right out of the Christian Living section of Life Way?
I didn't eat; I didn't watch t.v.; I didn't even take the time to turn on the radio. I just cleaned. I checked the clock to see that I had thirty minutes before the earliest time that Edwin said he'd be home. That might just give me enough times to mop and put the rooms that I had cleaned back together. I hadn't gotten to the point of contentment that I had designated on the list, but it would have to do. Ten minutes into the mopping and putting back together phase, Edwin opens the door. Apparently the girls had gotten cranky. DeLaynie was asleep, but Ella was threatening to wake her with her famous grunting, which generally marks the beginning of melt down mode. Edwin held them off a few more minutes, but all was still not done.
My hopes were shattered, crushed, trampled and left to die. My house was only cleaner in the ways that most people, my husband especially, don't notice. (He did give me lots of comfort and compliments.) Feeling that I had failed, I lamented the day with the mantra, "I just can't do it!"
Tonight, in an effort to redeem myself, I decided to make some homemade baby food. I read about it on "A Year of Crockpotting", and thought I might feel better about my abilities as a homemaker if I could do this one thing, a thing that I deemed a task that only a Supermom would do. I was afraid that it might turn into another Play-doughgate, but it was going pretty well. Then B. Wa (that's my internet name for Brooke Waldrep) walked in, and didn't say a word about my incredible feat. Apparently she had done this innumerable times, and it was not such an amazing, or redeeming, task to undertake. I knew "people" did it, but I had no idea that people did it. So much for that!
Today was not a bad day. Everyone's fine. Things got done, even if it wasn't as much as I'd hoped. I was reminded of how human I am, but there are lots of things that are worse than that. It was a gift, a reminder from my King that I really don't have to be good enough. I'm going to fail. I'm going to make goals and fall short. That's okay. It really is. He's still there. He's still in charge. I belong to Him, and being His possession is immensely better than having it all together.