Friday, March 13, 2009

The News That Isn't Really News

Here at the Attaway Chronicle, we strive for the clearest, most accurate news stories on the web. Unfortunately, you'll just have to settle for what we got:

It has been reported that the identification, credit, and debit cards were stolen from Hannah's wallet. The discovery was made after an hour of debate over purchases to be made at WalMart. Witnesses say that all of her purchases had been bagged and rung up when she had the startling realization that her wallet was empty, except for two pictures, and $2.25. Even the business cards for her website were taken. (Hello to our newest reader.) Authorities checked to ensure that no illegal charges were made. Some say that it is possible that the thief may be under four feet tall, and living in the same residence as the victim, though there is no direct evidence. In such moments, heroes often emerge. A woman, who has gone by the alias "Youth Dude's Awesome Chick" in earlier reports has volunteered to drive the victim to apply for a new license. All may be well again in a few hours, thanks to such heroism.

There were multiple reports of disturbing the peace last night in the Attaway household. Witnesses say that the problem was caused by an undesired transition from formula to cow's milk. One witness says, "It seemed like the crying would never end. She just couldn't seem to calm down." Quick thinking ended the disturbance by adding hot chocolate mix to the milk. Officials say that they plan to wean the young addict by slowly lowering the dose of chocolate until she is able to adjust to the change. Although she has dealt well with the transition from bottle to sippy cup, and doesn't seem too concerned about temperature, the withdrawal caused by the removal of formula from her system has begun to threaten the sleep, and the sanity, of the community. About the situation, the accused has said, "Wahhh. Wahhhhhhhhhhhh. Wah!" We'll keep you updated as new developments come along.

A quiet shower was interrupted this morning when a small intruder, reportedly with an addiction to formula, entered. She was spotted wearing her pajamas and a diaper upon entering. She was sadly disappointed to discover that showering while clothed wasn't as exciting as she had hoped. The young thrill-seeker was quickly disrobed, but not before the pajamas and diaper were completely soaked through. Although she has been seen taking up to three steps at a time, she seems to be dissatisfied with these accomplishments, so that she needs to seek out other excitement. Experts say that this could be related to a Peter Pan disorder, or simple youthful exuberance.

Edwin Attaway completes a very short career with his current job today. The completion of aforementioned career will be celebrated with dancing, singing, and possibly fireworks, say community leaders. Edwin has been working with severely handicapped children since late January. In regard to finishing his allotted time, Edwin has said, "Yippee!" His faithfulness and hard work are greatly appreciated by those under his provision.

Well, that's the news that isn't really news, but it's all we got. Here's hoping your news is just as mediocre when it's bad, and twice as exciting when it's good.


Rachel said...

VERY cute post! I love the format - quite inventive and creative!

Here's to hoping that the stolen goods can be recovered quickly (found in a stash underneath the crook's bed, maybe), that the transition of liquids can finish up without incident, and that there are no more peeping babies in the shower.

the Mama of the Peas said...

I dumped my kids in the shower with me tonight because I wanted to do it in a hurry. So we had to have a conversation about what breasts are for. And why mine are bigger than hers. Then she told me she hoped I had two babies in my belly.
I will never shower with her again.

Hannah A. said...

I've intentionally showered with DeLaynie before. Ella does this weird thing when water gets on her face, where she's gasping backwards or something, so I don't involve her. She had different ideas. Both of my girls are thoroughly adventurous, and disrespectful of mommy's bath time.